My achy heart

I had a long talk with my husband about this new twist with the polyps. He wants to hold off on the baby thing for now. Wait until I get better. He said it might be a sign that this isn't the right time. I told him that if our baby was here, that we would do everything we could for it, despite the risks, and that our baby is somewhere waiting to come to us, so why wouldn't we work hard, despite the risks now? He said that I wasn't being fair to him, because he is the one that has to be helpless while I go through the hospital stays, and the scares, and the being sick. That I hadn't considered that maybe he wouldn't be able to handle that. Which he is right, which is true. He is so strong, he has a daughter that survived luekemia already, and he deals with those things much better than I would, but I think the prospect of seeing that in our future, and running toward it anyway, is scary for him.

I don't know, I couldn't even cry last night. It's so amazing to me how much my heart aches over all of this. I don't know if in my whole life I have ever been so sad. Its not a targeted pain, its just a overall, everyday gloom in my world. Its crazy. I keep up a good face though. People don't know. Not even my parents. I think my husband is the only one who really knows how much I'm falling apart inside.

I had my meeting with my managers yesterday, and they were just like, er ok. I did leave out the baby part though, but I explained to them that I was sick and that I would probably be running back and forth to the doctors a lot over the next few months. And if I miss meetings, or come late, or leave early, thats why. But I would do my best to NOT miss work. They didn't want to know details, they didn't want to know anything. But my one manager did take that opportunity to announce to us that his wife is pregnant. Ouch. You are so cruel.

I have a lot of hope riding on this meeting with this new specialist tomorrow. I keep googling her name to see her research and case studies. I think if anyone can help me get straight answers, she can. And then I meet with my regular OB GYN to see what to do about these polyps. My husband will be coming with me, so hopefully we can get on the same page, and it won't be me inundating him with second hand info. We'll see what happens.

Hopelessly Optimistic

Yesterday I had a sonogram done. First they did it through my stomach, and then went in with that wand thing. Its dumb, but all the time I was watching the screen thinking that there was going to be a little suprise on there.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I had a splitting headache. It was so bad, I felt like the whole room was spinning around me. I got up anyway, a little earlier than usual actually, since I wanted to catch an earlier train. My stomach was all wonky. But I got in the car and headed to the train station. I made it about halfway, before I had to pull over and vomit on the side of the road. I lost about four minutes with that, but I didn't miss the train. And I didn't lose the last two advils that I took before I left the house! When I got on the train, I had to run to that nasty ass bathroom they have on there too. But by then there was nothing left, and the headache didn't go away.

I came to work feeling like a hot bag of shit, and I think everyone noticed because people kept asking me what was wrong. Actually, in about 15 minutes, I have a meeting with my two managers to explain to the them the situation, sans the baby part of it. I went to have my sonogram done yesterday, and I was gone for two hours, and I missed two meetings! I'm nervous as hell, because I'm afraid I am putting my job in jeopardy, and my future with this company.

So anyway, sonogram. "I'm going to have to get the doctor to come and look at this, it looks like a polyp, and if it is, that could be a deterrent in you getting pregnant." I got my little surprise alright. Did they think I don't have enough deterrents? This burly old man came in, and as sweetly as he could asked me to spread my legs widers, and he put in the whatever its called, duck looking things, and swabbed around me with iodine, and then he snaked this long tube into me, and injected saline solution. "Ohhhh, yep!" he said as the stuff dripped down my bottom, "right there!" Fuck.

I came back to work, 45 minutes before the day was over, with the stuff still running out of me. At least my headache had gone away by that point, and I stopped throwing up. Oh, and it seems that I have only one functioning ovary, she said she couldn't get a good look at the other one, but that it looked really small.

Well, I have this appointment with this new specialist on thursday. So we'll see what she says.