My achy heart

I had a long talk with my husband about this new twist with the polyps. He wants to hold off on the baby thing for now. Wait until I get better. He said it might be a sign that this isn't the right time. I told him that if our baby was here, that we would do everything we could for it, despite the risks, and that our baby is somewhere waiting to come to us, so why wouldn't we work hard, despite the risks now? He said that I wasn't being fair to him, because he is the one that has to be helpless while I go through the hospital stays, and the scares, and the being sick. That I hadn't considered that maybe he wouldn't be able to handle that. Which he is right, which is true. He is so strong, he has a daughter that survived luekemia already, and he deals with those things much better than I would, but I think the prospect of seeing that in our future, and running toward it anyway, is scary for him.

I don't know, I couldn't even cry last night. It's so amazing to me how much my heart aches over all of this. I don't know if in my whole life I have ever been so sad. Its not a targeted pain, its just a overall, everyday gloom in my world. Its crazy. I keep up a good face though. People don't know. Not even my parents. I think my husband is the only one who really knows how much I'm falling apart inside.

I had my meeting with my managers yesterday, and they were just like, er ok. I did leave out the baby part though, but I explained to them that I was sick and that I would probably be running back and forth to the doctors a lot over the next few months. And if I miss meetings, or come late, or leave early, thats why. But I would do my best to NOT miss work. They didn't want to know details, they didn't want to know anything. But my one manager did take that opportunity to announce to us that his wife is pregnant. Ouch. You are so cruel.

I have a lot of hope riding on this meeting with this new specialist tomorrow. I keep googling her name to see her research and case studies. I think if anyone can help me get straight answers, she can. And then I meet with my regular OB GYN to see what to do about these polyps. My husband will be coming with me, so hopefully we can get on the same page, and it won't be me inundating him with second hand info. We'll see what happens.

Getting to the bottom of things

Something about the summer makes me always want to write. From the time I was about 9 years old, I've had countless journal and diary entries that begin: "today was my brother's birthday." Indeed, my little brother turned 22 this week. Happy birthday kid!

I have an appointment to meet with a specialist next Thursday. Not that my nephrologist and my OB GYN are not specialists, I love them both. They're the best. My problem is that they both know a lot about their area of interest, but they don't know much about how they relate to each other. This is why I get a lot of "well, I can't promise" and "theres no way to say for sure." This particular specialist has written articles, given lectures, and done plenty of research on pregnancy, hypertension, and CKD. And from what I understand, she has treated plenty of people who have been in my very boat.

Here's what I plan to ask her.

• What is making it difficult for me to get pregnant now?
• What happens if I have kidney failure during pregnancy?
• Where am I in the range of risk based on my lab results?
• Will I be able to get matched for a donor during pregnancy?
• Would there be any reason why I couldn't skip dialysis and go straight to transplant?
• What is the prelimenary process for deciding to transplant?
• What are the specific dangers to the baby?
• How soon are we able to determine how/if the baby is effected?
• What is the deciding factor of if and when I need to go on bed rest?
• Are my hair, teeth and skin effected by my loss of kidney function?

I think thats it for now. If I think of anything else, I'll add it later.

Toodles!