Tough Times

Ok, so I had a bit of a rough patch in my recovery. I hadn't been feeling well in a couple of weeks. You know, not SICK, just not feeling well. My energy was draining, and I was having a heard time focusing at work. I was starting to have pain in my legs, which my Nurse practitioner said was restless leg syndrome. Riding the train was harder and harder. I went for my regular labs on Monday, and when I got home I had the big D. I was feeling sick by this time. So I called the clinic, and they had been trying to get in touch with me. She said that my white blood cell count was too low - .8. It should have been above 2. She wanted me to start taking these shots called Nuepogen. I freaked out at the thought of having to stick myself with a needle. I told her I would have my sister do it for me, but then I decided if my sister could do it, if it could be done, then I could do it myself.
I went in to clinic that friday for them to show me how to give myself the injection. I was pretty chicken about it. My husband was like, you had no problem with surgery, this should be cake for you!

I made at least two tries. I tried to go in slow, but that was soooo painful. The nurse told me after the fact that I should do it fast. She gave me a count and on three I just popped it into my stomach fat. It was like it wasn't my body that I was sticking, it was like playdoh or something. Anyway, I did it and Saturday morning I woke up at 5:45 am, I knew I had a fever. I took tylenol but later in the morning I had the most excruciating pain throughout my whole body! Oh GOD, I was in so much pain. I called the clinic and had them page the doctor that was on call, but they didn't call back. But I knew if he did call, he would just tell me to go to the hospital. I didn't want to do that. I knew they wouldn't know what to do, and they would just keep me until they figured it out, or do something fucked up. I stayed home for two day, writhing on the bed in agony, and checking my temperature every hour as it went up and down. It spiked at 102. I continued to take the nuepogen and the rest of my meds.

Come to find out, I had a bad reaction, so they say. My WBC went up to 2.6, and then it dropped back down to 0.7. With vomiting, fever, pain, chills, tremors, everything was all messed up. My labs were totally out of whack. My creatinine was 2, cellcept was 6, my prograf was 12, then it went down to 4. Everything was wrong. I had to stay home from work, which for me has been the hardest thing. I have so many goals and ambitions, I can't get anywhere if I dont have a job. Who is going to approve me for a mortgage if my primary source of income is the government?

It took me about a week of being home, and finally I cried hysterically. I felt so hopeless and frustrated! You can't control what your body does at this point, and you never know what its going to do. How can I plan for my future when I have no idea what it will bring??? I felt like everything was out off my hands. I can't have anything that I've been working for, no baby, no house, even my car was taken from. That sense of being helpless and out of control, that is morbid hell for me. I just wanted to be dead.

A week and a half later, the nightmare is over, and I survived it. I went for my labs today and my wbc was about a 3 which is perfect. Everything is getting back to normal. My tac is still low, but I'm not so worried about that. It goes up and down all the damn time.

See, Bell? You always seem to forget that no matter how tough times are, you ALWAYS make it through it. Always.