Lab Results

So I did get my labs back. And it looks like my creatinine has gone up to 3.7 since July, it was 3.1. A year ago it was 2.1. Also worth mentioning was that for the urinalysis, my protein was +4. For Vitamin D, I was at 10, which strikes me as interesting, since as of late my teeth have been falling out my head. It said that Vitamin D levels are supposed to be between 35 and 100. So pretty much, I'm way off. My hair is in pretty bad shape too.

I just got back from the dentist, and my bill is $1500 for all the work they have to do. And its not like I don't go to the dentist, I've lived at the dentist for the past three years. And he's telling me that we have a lot more shit to do. I got a crown put in today, which to me just looks like an enormous fake tooth. It's all blocky, like a big wooden block in my mouth. What was more depressing is that he had to file away a good tooth to make it fit right, and it still doesn't fit. They want me to pay $500 on Monday, and I have no idea how I'm going to do it. And he's telling me that I have to "commit" to getting the rest of the work done. Which basically means, commit my whole paycheck every month to him. I still have to get two implants, and something else done on the other side. I can't believe I actually have a tooth missing in my mouth because it rotted out. So I'm trying to find out if this is all because of my Vitamin D thing, and if the Vitamin D thing is yet another problem caused by my stupid kidneys.

People have no idea how much my life sucks.

OY VEY

Dude, I can't believe I STILL have not gotten my test results from my doctor. She's driving me nuts! All she has to do, is hand the paper to her secretary, and her secretary can go ahead and fax those papers to me. It's been all week.

Whats really freaking me out, is that this week, my blood pressure has been pretty much out of control. My neph. told me to double my dose of procardia, (even tho she's probably going to take me off of it since we have officially decided to not get pregnant), but all week on 60mgs of bp medicine, and its still in the 145/115 range. Lets not leave out the fact that my ankles look completely ridiculous. I took a lasix pill last night, but I don't think it really helped.

I've been paranoid all day. Went to the bathroom, and hoped no one would glimpse me through a crack in the stall door, leaning over the toilet, examining the bubbles in my pee, or the light color. It was really light, like just tinted water. And yeah , there was foam, like soap bubbles.

Anyhew, I hope I'll from my Dr. soon with these test results, I think I'm just bugging myself out.

The waiting game

I always say that things are really about perspective. What's there is what you choose to see, and you can always choose to see bad or you can choose to see good. For a person to lose his legs can mean the end of his life, but for someone else who has no legs, that just IS his life. I think slowly, I'm starting to learn to embrace the concept of not experiencing pregnancy and birth. And really, it's not the end of the world, its actually the catalyst for a new world for me and my husband and whoever our baby is thats waiting for us out there. It's not what I envisioned, but its time for me to have a new vision, and run toward that.

What's harder to get a hold on, is this whole thing with my kidneys. Its like medical limbo, where apparently I'm not sick enough to be eligible for transplant, but at the same time, I feel like I'm struggling everyday with fatigue and food. I'm sooo tired, just ALL the time. At any point I could just lay down and go to sleep. It's frustrating not having energy, and to always have to push myself just to get through a basic day. I feel like I sleep for 12 hours a day, and still am always tired. My other struggle is with food. The salt restrictions are a real challenge. I'm way too tired to cook every single day, but when I'm out, in NYC, at work and everyone is having lunch at the cafes around, I really can't. And then I get depressed because I'm hungry, and then I just go and buy some pasta or something, but then my ankles and feet swell up. I'm looking a my feet now, with the tops bulging out of my ballet flats. I have nice feet normally, really I do! I feel like a person who is battling obesity, even though I get daily comments about how skinny I am. When I eat, I feel guilty, and even when I try to flavor my food with vinegar or lemon juice, it doesn't always come out that great and then I feel depressed.

I'm at the point where I'm hoping for kidney failure! Is that bad, I just want something to happen so I can get out of this rut. Whoever heard of feeling guilty or depressed when you eat? I'm tired of being tired. Hopefully, I'll be able to angle my thoughts to a positive perspective, I just have to find it.

I did go to the doctor this week, and they are supposed to fax me my lab report. So I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting, to see what kind of downward progress I made. How crazy is that?