Back and Forth

Sooooo, I visited my regular OB GYN earlier this week. And she seemed a little ticked off that I had gone for another opinion. Especially considering that the new doctor didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. She did a really good job of calming my week long freak-out. She said that the polyps were nothing, that I could still get pregnant with them there, and there was no need to do anything. Panic attack completely unnecessary. She said if I don't get pregnant, we would check it out in six months to see where they were at. No worries.

She said that I already knew the risks of getting pregnant, and thats just what they were, risks. Meaning, it could be bad, it could be fine. The only way to know is to actually do it. The guarantee is that I will likely be on bed rest and or in the hospital for much of the time.

So okay, we are covering much trodden ground here. My problem is that I keep going back and forth with what I want to do. This month has been kind of tough financially, and I'm feeling like hey, we can't handle a kid right now. Even though last month, I was totally ready to go.

My husband is in a ridiculous battle with his ex over their daughter (who lies and tells people their kid has cancer, just to keep the father away???), and I'm feeling like I'm being unfair to him by asking him to hold down the fort on his own while I'm bed ridden. But, I feel like everyday coming into work, I run into at least a dozen women with enormously protruding bellies, and it makes my heart ache.

I browsed through a couple of adoption sites, and it seems like a HUGE hassle to adopt!! I would love to, and I do intend to one day, but we have so much going on with my health, and his daughter, and finances, and work, it seems like the extra responsibility of filling out paper work, and having your life peered into would be too, TOO overwhelming. I know, versus being bedridden and facing esrd and dialysis? That we're ready for, or I should say I'm ready for. But this adoption stuff, it seems like too much right now. Besides, how hard is it to be stuck doing nothing for 7, or hopefully 9 months. Oh, the horror of not being able to get up at 5 am, to travel three hours, and get home at 9 pm!!

In any case, looking through those adoption sites, Iknow its something I definately want to do, but I can't accept that as a substitute to having a baby that I made, that we made together, ourselves. So I'm torn.

You are so cruel.