Back from the specialist...

So my husband and I went to see this doctor at Cornell Weill Medical Center, who specializes in hypertension and pregnancy, and who has a lot of experience dealing with pregnancy and kidney issues. I guess I thought that she would say "yes it will be hard, but this is what I do, we can get you through this." And I thought my husband would be reassured, and more confident to move forward with attempting to conceive. All of that backfired.

"If I were your mother," she said when I asked her what SHE would do, "I would not want you to go forward with pregnancy. Its not just you that we are concerned about, its this baby who would have to fight to survive if born too early."

What if, what if, what if! What if the baby is born too early? What if you have kidney failure during the pregnancy? What if your baby dies? I asked my husband what is wrong with me, that I find it so hard to accept what I'm being told. His response was that I only think about myself.

She said that we should try to drag out kidney function for as long as possible. THEN, when I have kidney failure down the road, I can go on dialysis, get a transplant, and then try to conceive. This logic doesn't make sense to me at all.

What if my kidneys last for another ten years? What if I can't get a match for a donor? What if I get a match and my body rejects the transplant? What if I have to be on dialysis for years after ESRD? What if I get MORE cysts and have to have my one good ovary removed? What if something else obscure and unforseen happens to me next?!?! GOD, what is kidney failure going to be like??!

I would like to have some control over something in my life. Just ONE thing instead of everyday just waiting to see what will happen next, and hearing from my doctors all the damn time "we can't say for sure."

When my mother was pregnant with me, her doctors told her to terminate the pregnancy at seven months. They told her that if she continued, she would lose her baby and die. Either that, or she could deliver while I was only three pounds. For her, it was her heart. They said that her heart would not be able to withstand the strain of delivery. She made arrangements for my older brother and sister and got her affairs in order. She told her doctors not to do anything. I was born three weeks early at seven pounds, thirteen ounces, my mother's heart stopped twice. I asked her if she knew what was ahead of her, would she have had me anyway. She said yes. She doesn't know that I want to have a baby.

My husband has a daughter, from a previous relationship. Believe me when I say, she looks NOTHING like him. But she's going to be ten soon, and as she gets older, I can actually see him in her. They both raise there eyebrows the exact same way. And every time I think about that my heart clamps up. It's not fair. We've been together for eight years, and he has always pressured me to have children, and all this time I was the one waiting until we were ready, more stable. It seems like he was able to staunch his desire for a baby pretty easily. I wish I knew how.
I have an appointment tomorrow with my regular OB GYN. We'll probably discuss this polyp, aka Nature's IUD. Aka, God's way of painting on my forehead, "YOU ARE NOT TO BRING ANY CHILDREN INTO THIS WORLD." Just in case if I get defiant and try to have a baby anyway.