My achy heart

I had a long talk with my husband about this new twist with the polyps. He wants to hold off on the baby thing for now. Wait until I get better. He said it might be a sign that this isn't the right time. I told him that if our baby was here, that we would do everything we could for it, despite the risks, and that our baby is somewhere waiting to come to us, so why wouldn't we work hard, despite the risks now? He said that I wasn't being fair to him, because he is the one that has to be helpless while I go through the hospital stays, and the scares, and the being sick. That I hadn't considered that maybe he wouldn't be able to handle that. Which he is right, which is true. He is so strong, he has a daughter that survived luekemia already, and he deals with those things much better than I would, but I think the prospect of seeing that in our future, and running toward it anyway, is scary for him.

I don't know, I couldn't even cry last night. It's so amazing to me how much my heart aches over all of this. I don't know if in my whole life I have ever been so sad. Its not a targeted pain, its just a overall, everyday gloom in my world. Its crazy. I keep up a good face though. People don't know. Not even my parents. I think my husband is the only one who really knows how much I'm falling apart inside.

I had my meeting with my managers yesterday, and they were just like, er ok. I did leave out the baby part though, but I explained to them that I was sick and that I would probably be running back and forth to the doctors a lot over the next few months. And if I miss meetings, or come late, or leave early, thats why. But I would do my best to NOT miss work. They didn't want to know details, they didn't want to know anything. But my one manager did take that opportunity to announce to us that his wife is pregnant. Ouch. You are so cruel.

I have a lot of hope riding on this meeting with this new specialist tomorrow. I keep googling her name to see her research and case studies. I think if anyone can help me get straight answers, she can. And then I meet with my regular OB GYN to see what to do about these polyps. My husband will be coming with me, so hopefully we can get on the same page, and it won't be me inundating him with second hand info. We'll see what happens.