Enough Already

So now we are trying, and I have the distinct pleasure of experiencing all of the cliche emotions of a woman who is unable to conceive. I'm so sick of hearing the girl that I share a cube with talk to me about her son. I know it sounds mean, but whats the point of a blog if not to be brutally honest? She's really nice, and her son seems really cute, but I suppose being the cube-mate that I should be the one who is privvy to the excruciating details of all the firsts of parenthood. I hear a lot of things, but for some reason her stories are blow to the gut every time.

"We went on vacation so he got to sleep in the bed with me, and he loves to sleep with Mommy because then he can cuddle with me. And he lays with his face right in front of mine and says 'I love you mommy, good night mommy."

It's like a joke, but I have to sit and smile, and cock my head to side and say, "ooohhh that is soooo cute!" The entire time my gut is wrenching. What a remarkable feeling to want something so badly. It's almost unreasonable, but you can't deny that feverish desire is there.

We tried for the first time last week, but apparently nothing happened. Over a year ago, on a whim, I was just like, hey lets give it a shot. It took one time, and that was it, I was pregnant. But it turned out to be an unviable pregnancy, and I completely lost it in 10 weeks. Now, it looks like it won't be so simple, but hopefully it will happen soon. My OB GYN said that based on my test results, since my creatinine went from 2.1 to 3.1 in a year, that I would have a harder time conceiving than I did before. And even more so the longer I wait. I think I have an automatic defense mechanism to news like this, which is the assumption that my doctor doesn't know what she's talking about. Like she doesn't know that I have special angels watching over me, so in spite of my test results, what applies to most people does not apply to me.

I'm told that there is no chance, IF I got pregnant, that I would have a normal pregnancy. Right off the bat, I will have to deal with hypertension, swelling, a strict diet, and probably a lot of scares. These present serious risks to the fetus, including development issues, growth problems, premature birth, or death. As for me, they are about 95% positive that I will have severe renal decline during the pregnancy and will need to go on dialysis immediately after.

My thing is that I can suffer, I can deal with the dialysis, the fatigue ,the diet, the swelling, the hospital stays, the bed rest, as long as I can get one little baby out of all of it. My own little baby that has my husbands lips and my eyebrows. And who laughs like me, or frowns like him. My plan is that I will endure all of it, get a transplant, and live happily with my new family. But the hard part is waiting. I just want something to happen.

I'm 26 years old, and I'm so pre-occupied with everything, that I can barely do anything. I'm so tired that I find myself counting my steps. And whenever I say "I'm tired," and someone else says "yeah, me too" I just want to be like," Man, listen, you don't even know!"