Not a wink

I work for an ad agency on madison ave in mid-town Manhattan. And i live in the beautiful mountains of the Hudson Valley. It takes me exactly three hours door to door to get to work every day. Thats twenty minutes to drive to the train, 2 hours on the train, 15 minutes on the path (subway) and about 20 minutes of walking. How much is that? Ok, 2 hours and 55 minutes, but usually its give or take. I know its insane, people tell me so every time the question comes up.

"Where do you live?" I inevitably get asked every day. "Do you know where Woodbury Commons is?" I say. Usually people in NY have heard of this enormous shopping outlet. "Well I'm about 40 minutes north of there." That usually incites the reaction, expletives, reprimands, and the "are you crazy??"s. Its funny, because people flip out every time, and its entertaining. The truth is, it DOES suck getting up so early, and having such a long day. I leave at 6 am and usually get back home at about 9 pm. But the thing is, to me it doesn't suck any more than working, period. I like working, I like having a job, and I like having a real job with real benefits where they don't write you up for not wearing a uniform, or certain color shoes. I like it that I'm at work right now, and I'm sitting here blogging. Yes its a long ass commute, but it beats the hell out of sitting at home doing nothing, or working at Olive Garden.

The trouble is that the fatigue that comes along with low kidney function makes things really tough. Sometimes I have to pep talk myself into getting off the train after the two hour ride. Most of the time, I just want to sit there. And if you could hear my mind speaking during the 10-12 block walk, you would hear "left foot, right foot, left foot right foot, c'mon you can do it, left foot...." And then I get to work, and I wish I could just tell the people here, no I'm not blonde, I'm not a ditz, I really am a smart girl, and I can really do well here, I'm just so effing tired! But no one here knows anything about my health, outside of the fact that it takes a long time to get to work. So I don't say anything, I just keep pushing myself to work harder and do better. So far, I don't think my evaluation will say "outstanding." But I think I am holding my own.

I remember when I was in college, and I was living with my boyfriend - now my husband - and my car broke down. I had no way to get to class everyday, so I was waiting for my father to come and pick me up from a half hour away, and then driving me another half hour to school. He was ALWAYS late. And I felt like the biggest asshole walking into class every after it was half over. One day I came in after everyone was leaving from a mid-term exam. I wanted to cry. My teacher, who was also my advisor, let me take the test, and when I was done, he and I were the only ones still on the room. He told me, very lovingly, that because of the fact that I was a woman, AND an African American, I was never going to be able to succeed in life giving as much effort as others might. I would always have to do more than every one else, just to get to where every one else was. And I thought, if he only knew what I had to go through, just to get to class every day, its not even close to what even other black women have to do. But I think from that point I realized, that no matter what my obstacles were, they could not be an excuse to not be where I wanted to be. I had to work as hard as I needed to, no matter how hard that was, and being "sick" or tired, or living far, or being broke could not be a reason to not be the best, or try to be the best. You get a promotion for doing good work, not because people feel sorry for you. So maybe its a good attitude, or maybe its a bad attitude, "but in the end, it doesn't even matter," to quote one of my favorite songs.

So anyway, I say ALL of that to say, that usually during the train ride, I sleep my ass off. I'm talking coma, neck breaking, mouth open, sci fi dreaming, dead to the world sleep. And today, I didn't sleep a wink. My period is officially late.