When it all falls down

I know that everyone knows that I played myself on friday. I was completely in la-la land. I actually got my period, and STILL thought that maybe I could be pregnant. I am completely and wholly starting to lose my mind right now.

I actually snooped on my husband last night, and looked at his myspace inbox thinking I would find something that he didn't intend for me to see. Before I tell you what I did see, let me say that my husband is the blood that keeps me alive. He makes my heart beat, and he makes my body go every single day. We have been together for 8 years, and we have been through so much, I was so convinced in my heart that we would both stop living without the other one there. In my rose colored mind, I have this idea that the love that is between us is so exclusive and so special, that no one else can see it or feel it or understand. That its more than anything than anyone has ever felt. Thats how strongly we felt for each other. So with that, I see a message in his box from a girl that I had never met or heard of before, and she's lamenting to him about her boyfriend, and how he tells her that he loves her, and she knows that she loves him, but she just can't stand to be with him because of all the things she does. His reply was that he had to go and play his game, but that she was too hot to be crying over any guy. And that if he (my husband) was not married, "his loss would be my gain."

Now, here I am, feeling about as secure as a mouse in a lion's cage, and I just start thinking, wow, he has a whole relationship with some girl that I never even met. He knows everything about me, but I don't know everything about him. And then I start thinking, what happens when I'm pregnant, and bed ridden, or locked away in some hospital, who is he going to turn to when I'm not there?? Will we start to grow apart? And for what reason could any female possibly have for confiding in someone's husband? Does this bitch not have a mother, or a sister, or a cousin, or a friend?!

Whats worse, I can't ask him about it, because what business do I have going through his mail? I've never done it before, and I have learned my lesson, I will never do it again, but at this point, I just feel like everything is crashing down around me. My whole world run by our perfect love is retarded. He's a GUY. And guys are human, if the person they love is not there, or not able to love them back, then its natural and understandable that they would be drawn to someone that does. And I couldn't blame him, really, how much can I expect him to put up with? I can't remember the last time I felt so desperate and just at the end of my line. When is this going to turn around?

I started reading other people's blog, and I keep telling myself that I need to be cheerful like that. I need to have hope like that so if anyone reads this they will know that its not all bad. but I'm just like, I can't stand it. I feel like I'm just falling, and not able to do anything but wait to hit the bottom. If something happens, then I can deal with it, but to just sit here, and waiting, waiting, waiting for kidney failure, or waiting for the next cycle, its all sucking the joy from my life. I have never been so beaten.

On a more technical note, from reading other blogs, it seems like there has to be some sort of panel review to approve a kidney transplant. I have to get more information about this, and I'm also trying to get an answer to this question, "can you not pee while you are on dialysis?"